i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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