Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
