he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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