i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
