hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
