So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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