Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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