Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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