Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
