4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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