what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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