i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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