his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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