Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize