I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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