One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
