Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Less talking, more tequila
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
