the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
