last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
