the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
