The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
