Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Randomize
