So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
