I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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