new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
is it fun? or sober?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
