His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
