Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
