what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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