Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
