Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize