Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize