It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
