Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize