If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
