Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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