I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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