Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
