he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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