So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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