can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
