Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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