Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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