I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
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