Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
