Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
