im drinking this country out of the recession.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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