part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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