Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
