the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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