Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
