I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
