Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
