Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
