alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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