Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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