Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize