in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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