I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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