Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
