the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
