I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
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