The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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