I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
