I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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